Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
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*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
Mood.. 😂
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying