My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
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I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
just gave your address to some spiders
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.