[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
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Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
Ah..makes sense now
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”