Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
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KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.