Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
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My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.