@LackOfShame: Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say "I love you," she's talking to our dog.
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@ahamedweinberg: Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don't wanna walk around doing grave math.
@TheMichaelRock: I hate when my wife says "GO WAIT IN THE CAR" because I'm not sure if she's talking to me or the kids.
@XplodingUnicorn: 4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money? Me: So they can buy stuff. 4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff? She’s a criminal mastermind.