@LackOfShame: Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say "I love you," she's talking to our dog.
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@pleatedjeans: [high school reunion] Amanda: wow, you haven't changed a bit me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
@VanGobot: CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life): THANK
@goldengateblond: "We had unprotected sex. Give us a present." -- the subtext of every baby shower
@usedwigs: Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don't let your dog sit in the driver's seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.