Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
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if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
dogs can find happiness so easily
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures