Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
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10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.