Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
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[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.