@yonewt: Relationship status: outside my wife's window, holding John Cusack over my head.
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@Zwolf666: Stephen Hawking's worn out two pair of shoes since the last time my co-worker said something intelligent.
@BisHilarious: One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should've because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
@WordsOfaHooker: "So you're a foodie? What's a foodie?" "We enjoy eating out and trying new food." "So you're like everyone else, except you brag about it?"
@_Shizzle: They should just go ahead and put a volume setting on my TV that says "Eating Doritos".