“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
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Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
So we got a goldfish…
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!