RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
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I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.