Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
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I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.