@HelmdawgE: Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can't reach.
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@krisv_723: If we've gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you've swam through my pee
@Iwriteforcats: Hideous monsters for sale! Selling cheap! Crazy wild beasts! Won't last long! "Honey, stop trying to sell the kids."
@crunchenhancer: My wife told me she "likes it rough." So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll. -how guys understand women
@FrenulumBreve: HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie? HER: sure, sounds great. [next day] HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?