Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
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me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???