relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
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Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.