Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
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Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.