Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
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Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
Breaking news:
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
They’re really bad with fonts.
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
Me too door. Me too.
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no