[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
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BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*