there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
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A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
For those that worship cheese..
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
Finished stitching this today 😇
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”