Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
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People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.