tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
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Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
Woke up with morning Yule Log
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
I’m already scared
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job