People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
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if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.