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Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”