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I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.