Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
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Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Beauty and the Beast
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol