Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
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How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.