My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
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I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter