*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
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Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.