Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
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Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
another case of gang violins
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.