Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
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My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
⚪️🟧🟢⚪️🟡
🟢⚪️⚪️🟡⚪️
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️🟢
🟧⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
⚪️🟢🟡⚪️🟧
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️⚪️
⚪️🟧⚪️🟡🟢
🟢⚪️🟡🟧⚪️
🟡⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
Every damn time
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are