Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
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wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.