Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
You Might Also Like
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
#NoRestForTheWicked
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin