I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
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[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
Ugh but profoundly
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.