Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
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DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first