My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
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someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
Stop it! 😂
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
Cinematography is my passion
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*