confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
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“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ