Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
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How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.