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Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
Left at a local drug store…
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late