Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
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Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
Candles never taste the way they smell
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government