Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
You Might Also Like
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
#DesignFail
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.