@gerryhatric: Relationships are easier if one of you is a cake.
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@robesman: in 2016 if i walk in to your place and ask for the wifi password and you give me a paper with 26 letters and numbers i'm leaving
@GreenishDuck: When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
@TheRealRHB: Wife: Don't you think the yard needs to be mowed? (from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house) Me: It looks fine to me
@TheToddWilliams: [interrogation] COP: So you play the tuba do ya? "No, the violin" COP: Treble maker eh?