Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
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*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
Can’t. About to go please some beans
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
23. the denim jacket
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.