Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
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Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
I’ve named my couch American Idle.