Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
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The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
(2022)
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
Did a trash talking tree write this?
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?