Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
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Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too