Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
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Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter