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@dumbbeezie: Relationships are like houseplants, if they're mine they die
@daemonic3: Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
@dazedandsincere: Young man cashier: Ma'am, if you don't mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma'am
@Kyle_Lippert: Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
@Weird_Rash: Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
@VerifiedJayy: How do Amish guys know if its a romantic candlelit dinner or just regular dinner?