@briangaar: Relationships are mostly you apologizing for saying something hilarious
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@YoungNobler: Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
@AbbyHasIssues: Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
@better_off_dad: 16: 'We should put a flat screen on the wall!' Wife: 'I really don't like mounting things.' Me: *mumbles 'No shit.' W: 'What was that??'