@briangaar: Relationships are mostly you apologizing for saying something hilarious
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@HeatherLuvsYou: I always check my smoke alarms to make sure they're working. I call it "cooking"
@Jeffro_: I get high before I get my Drivers License pic taken. That way I look normal if I'm pulled over.
@murrman5: [consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
@briancthayer: [exchanging vows] HIM: I'll love you forever. HER: I'll love you until you leave me a voicemail. HIM: Wait, what?! PRIEST: No, that's fair.