@briangaar: Relationships are mostly you apologizing for saying something hilarious
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@weinerdog4life: Last time I did drugs I dated an All-In-One Printer for 3 days, so no thank you.
@PJTLynch: Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over? Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
@DevinSiebold: Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez... the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
@squirrel74wkgn: [outside of bank] Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok! Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready! Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I'm gonna need a minute.