When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
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Watermelon Boss!
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
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Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
I got bills
They’re multiplying
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
Never forget.
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?