Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
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dogs can find happiness so easily
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.