I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
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Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
Social Media and Real life
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??