Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
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Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.